5 Things I Did That Helped Me Find My Special Person:

Here are all the things I learned after being single for four years before I found my soulmate.

2/24/20267 min read

couple sitting on the field facing the city

The story of how letting go of my exes last stuff freed me to accept new love.
This is a story I think many people can relate to in some way especially when you have been with someone for a long time. I was with my ex for years all through college and sometime after as well. We were constantly off and on because of the unhealthy nature of our relationship so naturally when we broke up I still had a lot of things that he had given me. 5 years of knowing someone and you tend to have more material things that represent memories you shared. Anyways, I had immediately given away almost everything he had given me but reasoned away holding on to my favorite T-shirt that I loved to sleep in and his pajama pants that were unbelievably soft.
So here we are 4 years after our break-up I had moved states and we had cut off all contact so it was over and yet I still loved these pants, and I told myself since I had no interest in ever being with him it didn't matter that I was still holding onto them. My love for them was purely utilitarian. Well, then I am listening to this Youtuber I like and she mentions that holding onto anything of your ex's is stale energy blocking new happy love from coming in so I go home and I gather up my sleeping grateful dead t-shirt he gave me and the soft pajama pants and I bring them to my work to our donation bin we have the day before valentines day.
And You know what happened next?? Just about 3 months later I meet the love of my life. My current boyfriend, the man I now share a home with, and one day the man I will start a family with. We are both so unbelievably happy and the honeymoon phase still feels so strong even after living together and being together for 2 years. I have never experienced such unconditional love and support from someone like I am now. There is no doubt he is my person. So let go of any item or pictures on your phone of your ex because it could be holding you back from finding the love of your life.
Taking time to work on yourself and be single
During the 4 years that mentioned above after my break-up from my on-and-off boyfriend I was intentionally single for most of it. I never had an official partner during the entire 4 years, so what I mean by "intentionally single" is that I had no dating apps for a solid 2 years in the beginning of it. I politely refused anyone that asked me out. I didn't go out and kiss anyone and was celibate for most of it. Now. I am not saying this is the right way to do it nor am I shaming women that did their single era with a different flare than me but let me explain why I found mine so healing and then you can decide for yourself.
During the time where I was intentionally not dating, I was trying to do a lot of inner work. I realized that I stayed in a toxic relationship for years and thought that was love so clearly there were a lot of things I needed to work on. I also knew I needed to take responsibility for my part of our relationship. Almost always, both people play some part in the toxicity of a relationship and I played mine. I know there are times where there is fear and violence and abuse and I am not talking about the woman that stay in those. That is different. But in reflection of just a shitty, unhappy relationship where you feel empty inside half the time... you got to wonder "Why the fuck did I stay for so long?". Was it because some part of knowing this person always came back to me felt safe? Safer than me finding happiness on my own? Because I didn't want to risk not ever finding someone and being even less happy than I am now?
See what I mean on the introspection that needed to happen. How would I ever be the best version of me that would attract the right man if I never healed myself and became not only a better person but a more securely attached partner. In those years of intentionally being single I saw a therapist for the first time in my adult life, I solo backpacked through Europe for over a month and had the time of my life, and I became significantly happier. So give yourself time to be comfortable and happy alone. It is one of the best things you can ever do for yourself.
How manifestation and visualization brought me my man
At this time, I had started to explore manifestation and visualization not just as spiritual practices but mainly the science behind why they work. You see, I was a Biologist for years and I didn't believe in anything outside of what science could explain and then I discovered books around why this stuff actually works. It is the same reason why when you wear a virtual headset and you are cliff diving on it your body will produce the same chemicals as if you were actually cliff diving. I won't go into the depths of this but just know that your brain is capable of reprogramming and bringing in amazing things into your life. Okay, I will get off my soapbox now and explain how this worked for me.
Okay, so I had been reading these books on how if you want your brain to essentially keep craving and looking for a feeling then you need to create that feeling in your mind beforehand so when I was single about 6 months before meeting my current boyfriend, I asked myself what kind of feeling and love do I want with someone? And I immediately thought of my grandparents. They were by far the healthiest and most in love people I had ever seen in my life. They had been together for almost 60 years and there wasn't a day they didn't wake up and give each other words of love and support. They were affectionate and loving and rarely fought.
This was the love I thought of. I imagined the safety I felt as a kid sitting on their blue carpet in their house in Lake Tahoe. I imagined the love I felt from them and saw between them. I held this image in my mind's eye for months before I met my boyfriend. And now I have a relationship that feels as safe and loving as the one I remember.
How I took the risk of being vulnerable early on and it paid off.
In the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, before we were official, so only a few months in we ran into our first little bump. In the past when someone would have hurt my feelings this early on, I would've left or been passive aggressive. I have even been unkind at moments when I was hurt but I knew that wasn't how I saw myself acting anymore and I knew that I hadn't felt this way towards someone in a longtime.
So, when this hurt happened, I chose to be vulnerable. I asked my now boyfriend to go on a walk and I was just honest. I sat on a park bench and told him on how his decision really hurt my feelings and I cried. I let my walls down and felt no shame in expressing how it felt. I didn't get angry and yell. I said this really hurt my feelings and that I am looking to be with someone who wants the same things as me, and if that isn't him then that was okay, but that behavior wasn't what I was looking for.
I don't want to go into too many details, but that moment changed our whole relationship. I was honest and raw and unapologetic about how I felt and it helped grow a relationship that was real and honest. It set up open grounds for communication. No matter what anyone says it takes courage to be that vulnerable. Women have been called "crazy" or "too much" and it has made us feel judged. But don't let it stop you from being vulnerable because the right man will see you and appreciate you.
How giving the unconditional love, I sought ended up bringing it back to me.
Unconditional love can be a tricky topic because sometimes it is confused with choosing others emotional needs over your own but that is not what I am talking about here. At least from my perspective, unconditional love is when you deeply love and connect with someone in a healthy way and that when that person has bad days you still show them love while you both grow into better people.
In the time when I had reflected on how I could be a better partner this was one of those ways I knew I could improve upon. I think one of the reasons why my relationship has just gotten stronger is our endless affection, openly expressing our hurt feelings and ending those moments with a long hug. Our relationships is not perfect and, in the beginning, we had normal moments of discord and disagreement but overall, 99% of the time we were both laughing and happy. We are just 2 years in but I make a point to do the things that bring love to the forefront like waking him up in the morning with forehead kisses and petting his hair or he sends me a cute, "I love you" text every day without fail. I could just be at the gym and with friends and he send me that. We also say it to each other all of the time and we give long hugs to each other.
You see it is in the small things. It is when I write him notes on the grocery list or when he buys me flowers weekly. It is also encouraging each other to build our relationships with our friends without the other. I think everyone has different needs so I can't speak for every relationship but my boyfriend and I both talked early on about how important our friends our to us so on the weekends he spends some time golfing with his buddies, and I go grab brunch with my girlies. I think one of the things he does that feels so deeply like unconditional love is that he supports me endlessly. When I told him I wanted to start a business of affiliate marketing and blogging. He gave me nothing but support and love. He is my biggest cheerleader; He never tells me to dream smaller. That is what I hope you all can find out there. That is what I believe true unconditional love is.

5 Things I Did That Helped Me Find My Special Person:

The story of how letting go of my exes last stuff freed me to accept new love.

Taking time to work on yourself and be single

How manifestation and visualization brought me my man

How I took the risk of being vulnerable early on and it paid off.

How giving the unconditional love, I sought ended up bringing it back to me.

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